family vacation fun

Ever met anyone that ordered something from the Sky Mall catalog? I did!

M.O. Norman bought himself the Bigfoot Garden Sculpture. One night, when Chris, Tina, and I were dropping Mems off at their house, M.T. Isabelle said to us "I keep moving it out to the yard - maybe someone will steal the darn thing!" That innocent remark set in motion a weekend's worth of scheming and lawbreaking and collaborating the likes of which this family hasn't seen in YEARS!

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But we didn't just violate a Sasquatch, oh no! We also assaulted a tree...

i am a child

Tuesday during a staff meeting, my boss did a little exercise. She had a deck of cards called "The Breathe Easy Deck" and asked each of us to pick one at random with the disclaimer "the card you pick will be meaningful to you." For most of the day leading up to the meeting, I had been being me - the born bureaucrat - discussing policy and procedure with the other managers: fire safety, chemical inventories, hazardous materials, risk managment, incident reports. All very boring and dry to the masses, but give me a policy and you can bet I'm going to follow it; I was in my element.

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At my 21st birthday party, a notebook was set up in the bathroom for all my friends and family to write well-wishes to me. The one I remember most is from my aunt Jeanne. She wrote several pages about Peter Pan and Pixie dust and resolving to never grow old. And along with it, she assigned meaning to each letter of my name:

Little
Infantile
Nutty
Dynamic
Always young

Resolved to never grow up
Outrageous
Definitely childish
Really spoiled
Inventive
Giddy
Unbelievably bold
Educated in "How to remain a child"

A grown-up might see those words as an insult. But on the following pages, the true meaning is revealed. "We laugh and shake our heads seemingly in disgust... yet in truth we share her spunk vicariously knowing she desires what we all forever desire: love, security, freedom from life's demands and committments."

Those words written well over a decade ago still ring true. Ask anyone who knows me well - Mom, John, friends, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, Mems - and they can give you countless examples of how not grown-up I am. I may look like a soccer mom, I may be the most responsible bureaucrat you'll ever meet, but the child in me is never far from the surface. If you ever want to see it for yourself, just take me to Disney World!

Which is why the card I picked from The Breathe Easy Deck was so fitting. Upon it was written:

I am a child.

The child you were still lives within
you, and needs to play and feel secure.

I breathe in the innocence of a child's
mind that sees all things as if for the
first time. I am filled with childlike joy
and zest for life. I breathe out the
illusion of age.

No truer words have ever been written!

no, i'm not obsessed. why would you say that i'm obsessed? not obsessed at all. well maybe i'm a little obsessed. do you think i'm obsessed?

There's this story in my family about a microwave with a peel. This microwave was originally purchased in the early 80's and used daily in a busy kitchen by a great number of people. After a while, the family moved to another state and the microwave went with them; again, it was used daily by family and guests alike. In the early 90's, I moved into a small, unfurnished apartment and the microwave was donated to my cause (I needed cheap stuff!). You can imagine the condition it was in! Inside, it was clean as can be; outside, however, the black enamel finish and instrument panel had 10+ years of accumulated grease and grime. Neat freak that I was (and still am), I HAD to clean it. Much to my delight, the yuck just peeled right off!!! Seems the previous owner had not removed the protective plastic coating that had been applied at the factory! Underneath, it was like new!

Now, this could be a blog about my deliberately unnamed family member (you know who you are) and her reluctance to remove plastic coatings. This could be a blog about me being a neat freak. This could be a blog about cheap hand-me-downs. But it isn't. This is a blog about my compulsion (not obsession) with peeling.

"Hello. My name is Linda. And I'm a peeler."

In going about my daily routine, EVERYTHING is peeled. IMMEDIATELY! I have barely finished paying the cashier, but the new CD or DVD is unwrapped and the security tape has been removed including the sensor strip inside under the disk. Shrink-wrap doesn't stand a chance! Stickers? They'd better belong where they are, or else I'm takin' 'em off! Suffering from a nasty sunburn? Stay away from me or you'll be down to your middle-dermis in a heartbeat! God forbid I notice a little paint peeling (especially latex) (like in a certain sister's bathroom). I start to twitch at the site of it! It's all I can do to not pick it clean! (But I swear Julie, I never peeled your yellow walls!)

I try to keep my peeling hidden. My family and friends are aware. But not everyone can accept these kinds of needs. What would they say? They might not understand! They might think I'm wierd! They might laugh!


So try to imagine the torture
                                        THIS ------------>
has been causing me! There I am, moonlighting at Lowe's, at the Returns desk, waiting for customers. And I see that sign...
With its protective plastic coating still on...
And it's STARTING TO PEEL!

If I told you how many times I looked at it a day, you wouldn't believe me. I even rationalize to myself why it would be ok to peel it. "It would make the sign prettier." "It would be easier to read." "It wouldn't look so cloudy." But I know that I can't. I mustn't. I have to resist. No matter how badly I want to, I WILL NOT PEEL IN PUBLIC!!!

But really, I don't think I'm obsessed...

shopping quiz

The following items can be purchased at either an ADULTS ONLY shop or at LOWE'S HOME IMPROVEMENT WAREHOUSE - see if you can figure which is which...

1. Blow Gun Knob

2. Slime Tube

3. Steel Nipple

4. 4-lb Snake Away

5. Woodchuck

6. Overlord Protection

7. Rod Caulk

8. Male-to-Female Coupler

9. Swivel Eye

10. Rod Clamp